Clean Humor

Some clean humor culled from the web:

“Every morning I get up and make instant coffee and I drink it so I’ll have enough energy to make the regular coffee.”

“I like to reminisce with people I don’t know. Granted, it takes longer.”

“I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s gonna be up all night.”

“Recently I was walking my dog around my building. On the ledge. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I’m afraid of widths.”

“It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it. I’ve been doing a lot of painting lately. Abstract painting. Extremely abstract: no brush, no canvass. I just think about it.”

“When I was kid I wish my first word had been ‘Quote,’ so right before I die I could say, ‘Unquote.'”

“I bought an iPod. It can either hold 5,000 songs or one phone message from my mother.”

“I’m writing a book, it’s going to be just a book full of titles for other books. But I don’t know what I’m gonna call it.”

“I’ve been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.”

“I went to a store and the sign said, Open Twenty-four Hours. When I got there, there was a guy outside locking it up. I said, ‘What are you doing, the sign says, Open Twenty-four Hours?’ And he said, ‘Not in a row’.”

“I went into a restaurant. The menu said ‘breakfast anytime.’ So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

“I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”

“What’s another word for thesaurus?”
“I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier, they wouldn’t have to go so fast.”

“I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn’t do anything…so anytime I had nothing to do, I’d just flick that switch up and down…up and down…up and down…Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany…it just said, ‘Cut it out.'”

“I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.”
“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

“I bought some batteries… but they weren’t included… so I had to buy them again.”

“One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building… I turned it… and the whole building started up…. So I drove it around…. A policeman stopped me for going too fast… He said, ‘Where do you live?’… I said, ‘Right here’… Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get out of my driveway.”

(“If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.”)

“I have a map of the united states …. it’s original size … it says one mile equals one mile.”

“Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”

“I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out.”

“Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”

“One time the power went out in my house, I had no lights. Fortunately my camera had a flash. I went to make a peanut butter sandwich and took 60 pictures of my kitchen. My neighbors called the police. They thought it was lightning in my house.”

“I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, ‘Steven, time to go to sleep’ I said ‘But I don’t know how.’ She said, ‘It’s real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.’ So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said ‘I thought I told you to go to sleep.'”

“One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said ‘Didn’t you see the stop sign?’ I said ‘Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

“I’ve got some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.”
“I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.”
“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I’m the only one moving.”
“I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, ‘Don’t you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?’ I replied, ‘Yes, but I wasn’t going to be out that long.'”

“Today I — no, that wasn’t me.”

“I wrote a song, but I can’t read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think ‘Hey, maybe I wrote that.'”

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”

“My friend has a baby. I’m writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”

“I’m so tired…I was up all night trying to round off infinity.”

“I went fishing with a dotted line…I caught every other fish.”

“In my house, on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above, so I never have to go upstairs.”
“Today I dialed a wrong number…The other side said, ‘Hello?’ and I said, ‘Hello, could I speak to Joey?’ They said, ‘Uh, I don’t think so…He’s only two months old.’ I said, ‘I’ll wait.'”

“You can’t have everything — where would you put it?”

“I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one — it wasn’t doing what I was doing.”

“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.”

“There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.”

“I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.”

“Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don’t get it.”